This blog post is hard for me to write
& actually embarrassing
sometimes on our blogs, we proceed this "perfect" life
a perfect child, perfect marriage, perfect home
so what i am about to write about will probably shock most of you & most certainly shock those readers i know in real life

infertility sucks.
as i have said time & time again
I have talked about the toll it has taken on me
but this is where it gets hard:

my marriage.

infertility can do one of two things
1) make your marriage so strong 2) make it fall apart

at first it made us stronger
but the past month completely torn us apart

I never thought it would happen to me, or I would ever need to do a post like this
but this is my blog; & I need a place to vent, & feel it my duty to talk about these things

This weekend I almost walked out on my husband.
Walked out.

I talk about my anger when it comes to people getting pregnant & how all of a sudden I become God & get to the right to judge weather or not they deserve a baby

Do I like feeling this way? NO
Do I like being a angry person? NO


Brandon seems to think I like crying when a friend of ours recently found out they were pregnant, or another friend just found out they were having a baby girl.
I tried to gather clothes up for them to try to make up for me being emotional but couldnt.
People are supposed to keep their baby clothes to see if they have another & what gender it will be.

August was the month. The month TWO doctors suggest we should stop trying due to the rising risk of birth at 14-24 weeks. Yes, it is just a suggestion but like I have written if it didn't happen by then I think it was God telling us something would happen. & I could.not.handle.that. I can't get depressed over losing another baby. I have a healthy 9 month one I need to be strong for.
So after photographing possibly the most stressful, worse wedding ever; AF shows up, I start crying because each & everything time AF comes; I am not pregnant & one step closer to NEVER having another child grow inside of me. Brandons response? "so."

Grant it; our marriage isnt a wreck. We have fun, lots of fun. We really do rarely fight beside a few issues this being one of them. We HAVE a beautiful little girl, who gets cranky, & cries. & beautiful home that isn't always picked up perfect. But some times IF can be that black cloud like that depression commercial where the cloud kept following the person haha & make you forget all of that & just the stuff that sucks.
WE ARE NOT PERFECT.

Now, I didn't walk out on him, but things aren't good. We are working on them. Possibly starting consoling.
He needs to realize that I need support. & I need to realize men & women grieve differently; I will always be more emotional then him.  
As I sat with my good friend this weekend who has had two angel babies like me but had to give birth to them; she stuggles just like me. But was sitting there happy with her husband & beautiful little girl. I wanted to scream HOW DO YOU DO IT!
& then even though I have said a million times to myself, coming from a friend it hit me like a two-by-four in the head.
"be thankful for what you have, I should have 3 children right now, but I have ONE; how amazing is that"
that was it.

Infertility is SO much more then not being able to have a baby.
It is crazy emotions, crying down the baby isle at walmart, scheduled sex getting old & most defiantly not romantic, & sometimes a huge burden on your marriage.

As my finger wearily goes to click "publish post"
I hope none of this makes you all look at me different. 
& that I don't have this perfect marriage
One thing I need to remember is I married this man because I love him, not because I just wanted a family with him, & any child that comes out of our love is just a bonus.